The Will To Choose: Part 2

NOTE: This story is the second part of a 2 week series. Click here to read PART ONE. 

July 21, 2009 is the day that my world got turned upside down & shattered into a million pieces. It was the last day I’d ever hear my son’s voice and feel the weight of his body in my arms. No more ‘I love you most’s’, hearing him call me ‘mama’ or listening to him tell me all about how he wanted to be a pilot one day.

The reality of him no longer being here really didn’t begin to sink in until a couple of months after his accident.

I was tucked away in a closet; sobbing at the fading memory of my sweet boy’s precious voice. It had been 2 months since I had last heard him and I was trying desperately to recall any detail of how I remembered him sounding. Unfortunately, I had no video of him. Life had been busy with having babies only 18 months apart and iPhones weren’t quite around yet.

My mom eventually found me in that dark closet and convinced me to go for ice cream with my 2 year old daughter. On the ride to the ice cream shoppe, my sweet girl began singing her big brother’s favorite song, I’m in the Lord’s Army, word for word! She had never sung it before and hadn’t heard it since her brother had went to Heaven. Stunned, I frantically grabbed my phone and began trying to find the record button to capture the moment on video. I had never taken a video on my blackberry before, just thousands of pictures. I couldn’t wait to show my husband that our daughter was singing Will’s favorite song, the song he would march tirelessly around the house singing. I knew that if I didn’t record it he may not believe me, and kids never seem to ‘perform on command. ‘

While my mom took Maria in for a scoop of ice cream I decided to wait in the car, seeing that I was a mess and wanted to try and find the video I had just taken of her.

What I discovered on my phone that night still leaves me covered in chills to think about.

Much to my surprise there were over 30 videos recorded on my phone, I had only taken 1.

Not knowing which one was of my daughter singing the song I clicked on a file and heard the sweetest most incredible sound saying….. ‘MOM!!! Look mom, i-i-i SEE you mom, loooook I SEE you!’ Completely stunned, totally overwhelmed & overjoyed, I continue clicking on video after video of my sweet boy recording himself, and his dad and me, asking us to ‘say cheeeese’.

All of those times that he had my blackberry, and I thought he was just pretending to take photos on my phone, he had actually been documenting videos. Lots and lots of videos of the sweet sound of his precious voice, complete with his stutter he had when he was excited. I never had any new photos when he was done playing with my phone so I figured he was just pretending to take pictures because he saw me taking them so often.

There is no denying that discovering those videos that very night was no coincidence. I could have found them any other time but I didn’t. I could have clicked first on any of the 30 videos, but the very first file I randomly chose was of my boy saying ‘mom, look, I SEE you’.

There is no doubt that God orchestrated every last detail for me that night. From my mom convincing me to go for ice cream; to my daughter singing Will’s favorite song out of the blue; to me hearing his voice just moments after grieving the grim reality that it was becoming a fading memory.

God’s Presence was palpable as I clicked on each video, growing more overwhelmed with each one. He cares. He longs for us to cry out to Him so that He can show up in the most intimate way. Reminding us that He Loves us, He is with us always, even in those dark closets we tuck away in, He SEES us even there.

**This post originally appeared on #IKnowHim, a community dedicated to sharing the good news that God is here and He is good through stories of people that have had their lives transformed by knowing Him. For more inspirational stories and encouragement visit iknowhim.us.

NOTE: This story is the second part of a 2 week series. Click here to read PART ONE. 


Patcine McAnaul is a wife and the mother of five children, four on earth and one in Heaven. She is the founder of The Will To Choose ministry that supports bereaved parents with financial assistance as well as sending shirts (upon request) to bereaved parents all over the country. Shirts are available to purchase in variety of styles/colors/logos. Every penny from t-shirt purchases go towards the ministry. She enjoys sharing the Hope we all have in Christ with others. Find her on Instagram (@thewilltochoose).

2 thoughts on “The Will To Choose: Part 2

  1. Ariel Lee

    How sweet and good God is to use something as seemingly insignificant as your little boy playing with your phone to prepare and store up for you memories of his sweet little voice. When I played the video my boys came running to see because they are naturally drawn to other children. And how God is drawn to us and is filled with such joy as we speak for His glory. His Children. And he loves hearing you speak, Patcine, because of the encouragement you bring to so many just by sharing your story and the amazing ways God has worked through you. Keep sharing. So thankful for you and #IKnowHim, committed to sharing the many ways GOD is good.

  2. Sydney C.

    Such a beautiful story and an amazing reminder of how kind and good God is to us as His kids. He always knows exactly what we need. Thanks for sharing this incredible story.

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